CONFUSION ON GRAPE STREET!

The folks over here at The Grapevine are confused by TDG's latest article. We may not understand their tactics, but we'll keep acting tough until we figure them out.

In response to The Daily Goat...

It has come to my attention that our rival paper "The Daily Goat" has been slandering our good name. Their first attempt was to tell the world that I, David Funk, pee my own pants. This could not be further from the truth. (please see previous post...). Second, and more importantly, TDG seems to think that making us out to be penguin haters is the right thing to do. We here at Grape Street love our penguins.
Whats that? ...Prove it? All you need to do is drive by Grape Street's own Christmas Village do see Carlos and Steve sledding down the roof waving at all the good people of Manayunk. (Editors note: If penguins appear deflated they are sleeping, not dead.) Feel free to also say hello to the reindeer on the roof.
Now, lets look into this story deeper. If something were to happen to the beloved penguins of Grape Street, who would be the culprit? Here is some food for thought... How many times have you seen a goat and a penguin hanging out together. Zero? Thats what I thought. It is a widely known fact that goats and penguins are not fond of one another. This is why they usually live so far apart. So, could this be the work of TDG in a feeble attempt at generating a false accusation that we hate our own penguins? I would not put it past them. It would be a reasonable objective for a paper who has the sole goal of slandering others in an attempt to make goats and the second mile foundation look good.
So, who do you think would kill our two penguins. The stand of men of The Pulitzer Prize winning Grapevine, or the slanderous ink thugs of The Daily Goat? You be the judge America.

EDITOR'S NOTE

It is with sincere apologies to Mr. David V. Funk that The Grapevine is forced to redact it's previous claim of him being a pee-pants. Erroneous and misleading information was given to The Grapevine by an unnamed source. Further investigating has revealed that the true culprit is none other than Mr. Larry Wayne "Chipper" St. John the Baptist Jones, Jr. of the Atlanta Braves. According to a visiting team clubhouse attendant in Citizen's Bank Park, who wishes to remain anonymous, Jones stormed into the clubhouse after the final game of the Brave's regular season, and season in general, a 4-3 loss at the hands of the dominating Philadelphia Phillies. Statements from Jones were sometimes hard to interpret as his constant flow of tears made him resemble more of a 10-year old girl who's doll's head has been ripped off than the major league baseball player that he is (barely). Quotes from Jones included "Now people will never stop calling me the "Rudy of baseball" now", and "I miss Cox sic". It is thought that this was in reference to long time Braves manager Bobby Cox however since Jones is a well known homosexual it is entirely possible that he was referencing male reproductive organs.

Note: There is speculation that Jones did not pee himself but was in fact doused by the entire Phillies' starting rotation's bladders in a final dominating act by the four aces.

BREAKING NEWS

This exclusive breaking news story from The Grapevine is coming to you live from Bensalem, PA. We have reports that David V. Funk of Spring Leaf Financial pees his pants. This is just a preliminary report and we will get to the bottom of this story.

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